posting: "I ONLY BOUGHT THe NIRVANA CD CUZ IT HAD a NAKED KID ON IT" AND ALTERNATING BETWEEN BACKING DOWN AND DOUBLING DOWN by Dante Sacomani

If you go to Ramsgate in Kent there are some sights you must go see and tell me if they are how i remember them.

If you are arriving by train, walk down the street called Station Approach Road until you arrive at Margate Road. Here you will see on your left a pub called the Great Eastern Tavern. Outside there will be a group of men wearing no shirts and drinking beer. You will know them by their hair which will be shorn and absent in every sense. If you need another indicator you are looking at the right men, these will the men be sweating in the sun around 12:53 pm. The will be a mist surrounding them, part humidity, part sweat. This will cut across wide slices of their bodies, making them hazy at a distance. Objects will swim out of the midst, where things had been stationary before. The bits and bobs will shimmy around the edges. You will experience them as a mirage and a threat. You will look down at google maps, and see at fuzzy dot where they are standing. Turn right here and carry down the hill towards the water.

and give the impression that the air is swirling around them, avoiding their bodies. As if the air was here seeking to preserve it’s own freshness.

They will be become stereotypes in a odor-y haze. the air around them will shimmy and shake. wavy lines will

Do not feel judgemental if, at first sight, you assume they are drunk. I assure you they are drunk.

confession: if it weren’t FOR ELECTRIC CHAIRS I WOULD be DOing SO MUCH CRIME. I'D BE SMASHING breakables AND SHIT RIGHT NOW. by Dante Sacomani

if you would like to pick out some things of mine to set on fire in the backyard, step right up. we are open for business. please come in and burn my things.

Please understand that, though we are open, certain items we had planned to make available for being torched will not be available for ‘being torched’. that is because those items have already been torched. we suspect in an unsanctioned blaze. this was discovered by us last night. we are carrying out an investigation. if you have any info, please email us directly.

Other items, we are sad to announce, have been partially torched. These too, we fear, as the result of an off-the-books burn. Should these partially burned items be ruled victims of arson, we will strongly condone the act and will not rest until a culprit is found and brought to justice. As these items are classified ‘partially torched’, we would prefer what remains of them not go to waste. they will be made available for flaming (at a discount) should you like to finish the job. Please note: these partially burnt items are not not on display in our showroom. if you would like a list of all currently ‘semi-torched’ items available for further blazing please email us directly. Rumours that these semi-burnt items include an oversized blue/black flannel, an olive green raincoat and white pair of Veja sneakers (size 9.5 UK) cannot be confirmed as stock does vary.

Update: At this time we can confirm a much sought-after red/black fleece has been burnt to black crumb and is no longer be available for flaming. A recording has been made of our marketing director walking on the ashes. It has been said the sounds captured are reminiscent of the crunching of ‘icy snow, or brittle bones’. For a copy of this recording, please email us directly.

Several band shirts, including Ragana, Earth, G.L.O.S.S and Bosse de Nage are missing and also feared burned. Please check back when we have sifted through the debris of the (let’s be honest, unsanctioned) blaze. Should you like to know what we uncover in the course of this work, please email us directly. We will no longer be issuing updates on this blog regarding this particular (yet-to-be-deemed illegal) burning.

At present, we like to come back to the matter at hand, as mentioned earlier in this email. That is: If you would like to pick out certain items from our closet to set on fire in the backyard, you are welcome to do so. we are now open for business.

Items available for burning include shirts, jeans and a Tennessee Titans baseball cap.

We look forward to working with you and helping your achieve your goals of setting our clothes on fire.

TRYING TO OFFLOAD TRUCK OF RAW CHICKEN – INSISTING ‘RECALL’ IS 'JUST A HOAX' AND FULLY ENTERING CRISIS MODE by Dante Sacomani

Today i was doing an internet quiz where they show you pictures of people’s eyes and you have to guess the mood of the people with those eyes.

i think to keep people from getting cute with their own interpretations, they gave some options to choose from. and also probably to capture data.

Options:

a. cheery b. sleepy c. unproductive d. Beto O’Rourke

At the end you got a score to see which ones you got right. and to better understand the limits of your own literacy re: eyes without faces.

i got all the questions wrong. but i think its also possible i got them all right. because you never know goes on behind eyes.

sometimes when i use my eyes i am using them to hide emotions in my head. but don’t ask me to look at what is going on in there. i can’t see in that direction.

Pissed off and REFUSING TO 'MEET THE FLINTSTONES' DESPITE desperate PLEAs coming from nearby television by Dante Sacomani

Earlier I woke up and found a note taped to the table. The tape was brown and wide. The kind you don’t remember buying. The note was in my handwriting. It was a short note. The kind you don’t remember writing.

I looked for the tape roll and could not find it anywhere in my house. It was not on the table or on the floor near the table. It was also not in the cutlery drawer in my kitchen, which – I am ashamed to say – has for years been more of a dumpsite for unopened mail and past season’s greetings cards. All this comforted me. I do not think i would like to own a whole roll of brown tape.

The note said:

these are the notes. but they’ll become the thing.

we’re sitting in a bar!

no, hey, we are sitting at home.

She is gone. but that’s okay cuz she goes.

please come back. we cant own a note like this.

what a big bomb. what’d we do.

If you have any guess what tf any of this means, or would like more any more context on this matter, please email me directly using subject line “Free Branding Seminar” and I will get back to you with the requested details, as well as some free information about an upcoming seminar/webinar. The latest instalment in a well-received series. Do you want to wake up in a world where your content goes viral day after day after day after day? Today brands that are not distinct go extinct. It’s do or die. Thrive or merely survive. Get the tips you need to move fast in a world of change at our upcoming seminar. thank you.

TAKING MY MEDIOCRE TALENTS TO THE BAR AND ASKING THAT IT BE LOWERED. by Dante Sacomani

Holy shit. If you were in the Unicorn pub in Canterbury earlier maybe you saw what I did.

If you were not there, picture me sitting in there at the booth in the corner reading a book. If you have never been to the Unicorn pub in Canterbury and cannot visualize the layout, that is okay.

There is a small TV above a fireplace. There is a man vaping by a sign that says no vaping. There is a fruit machine and a shelf with some board games on it. There is a pool table. There is a woman staring at a wall. There is a booth in a corner.

Anyways, the door opened and some men walked in. Each was wearing some white shorts with a white top and some big socks that went up to the knees. I think they were special socks because each sock had bells sewn into it. A whole grapevine of bells. A fist fight of tambourines in every step. At first the bells were jangling a lot as the men shuffled to get ales and tables; but they piped down when the men sat down and did not move so much.

I imagined these socks as a key prop in a sitcom episode. The one where Karen’s husband comes home unexpectedly, so Porter has to hide in a closet and sneak out quietly – wearing bell-socks. lol.

“We are the Wantsum Morrismen. We are here to dance in the garden” one man said to the bartender. This made no sense to me and I wondered how the bartender would react. I wondered how I would. I decided I would lean over the bar and shake the little bells.

But this bartender did not. He pulled out a little binder from behind the bar and looked in it. I thought maybe it contained instructions for calming Wantsum Morrismen. If it did, what would it say? Would it call for violence? I asked myself how I felt about violence.

I googled ‘bar fight, how to win’, ‘morrisman what is’ and ‘morrismen physical weaknesses’. I readied myself. The tension was building up. The vaper vaped. The wall-starer stared. I looked for a window I could sneak out of. The bartender looked up from the binder, “oh right. it’s in the schedule.” he said. “The garden is out back.”

GRANDFATHER: I will TELL YOU THE SECRET TO living as long as I have. ME: YOU died IN 1982 quit showing up and talking shit when i am in the kitchen huffing glue. by Dante Sacomani

When my dad’s dad died, he died in 1993 and did it in someplace far way – Tbilisi, Addis Ababa or Akron, Ohio. I was not involved in family death-talk back then so who knows. I only knew someone called Bob was dead and it would be good if I could try and be sad. My dad also tried to be sad but – because he was an alcoholic who liked passing out at the wheel and crashing into mailboxes – i think he was happy b/c it was a new thing to handle poorly.

When he was younger, my dad’s dad was a USD currency forger. Once he almost got caught and had to move his whole family to Guadalajara to hide out. They lived in a little place next to an abandoned house with an outdoor pool full of rainwater. My dad’s dad told my dad and his siblings not to swim in it, but they did. Then one day my dad’s brother almost drowned playing a game called ‘Captain Submarines’, and they stopped. Not too long after that, my dad’s dad left that house secretly and never came back.

My dad didn’t go to his dad’s funeral. Instead, he took me to Burger King to spend time with his only son. He drove through two red lights on the way, and when we got there he said i could order anything i wanted. I picked apple slices, a bottle of milk and onion rings. He walked up to the register and ordered me a whopper with fries.

My dad said it was important to order and like the whoppers at burger king because he ordered and liked them too. For himself my dad ordered a large coke, which he drank through a straw and refilled with whiskey after every sip. Soon the people around us started to stare because my dad fell asleep with his face on the table. I tried to wake him up but couldn’t so I walked home from there. I never really saw him again after that.

So that’s why I always look through the windows of different burger kings when I walk by. Just checking in to see if he’s there, maybe sleeping or eating the whopper i left behind. Or maybe i am just checking myself out in the window’s reflection, making sure my hair looks good.

waiting to become somebodys DAD so i can begin posting shit like "not all Sauces are mustards but all mustards are sauces.” by Dante Sacomani

If you eavesdrop on two the strangers behind you on the 6:50 train from St. Pancras to Canterbury West you will overhear them saying things they are comfortable sharing with strangers.

If you go to a bar in Dublin on sunday and begin to break up with your girlfriend it is possible a stranger will eavesdrop on you and hear things you wish they hadn’t. If/when they might even interrupt to tell you breaking up is all wrong for you because they can see you love each other. They could even add that it’s useless to break up Sunday because “it will ruin the week ahead.” If this happens ask this person for his name then and there. If his name is Dell, he may a have a friend named Foz there too. If he does, expect them to be drunk. If they are drunk they will probably want to buy you rounds of Jamesons — they will call them Jamies — these, unlike their opinions, you can accept. Foz will be a jeweler and will try to sell you rings to rekindle your romance. Dell will say he works at Paddypower and apologize for it in a sort of funny way. (You will laugh even though it will sound rehearsed.)

Laughing now, you will realize you and your girlfriend are having fun together for the first time in a very long time. It feels like the old times! You will think in your head. You will forget why you wanted to break up. You will silently pledge to love her for a million more years. You will imagine tying one end of a rope around your neck and the other end around her leg. You will imagine laying prone on the floor as she drags the rope around the house. First she will drag you into the kitchen, then upstairs to the bedroom. You will imagine having to treat rug burns. Then you will imagine surgically replacing her lips with yours.

Back in the bar someone will hand you a beer. Drop it on the floor so the glass shatters and the beer gets on everyone’s shoes. When that’s done, look down at the broken glass and think about of the fragility of certain things in relation to other things. Consider durability, structure and all the affairs you are concealing. It’s okay to remark that some things — once broken — are fucked beyond repair, while other things — rubber, cotton, human faces — can get hit hard and be fine. While remarking, you may be handed (and drink) another jamie.

Now you will wake up single and alone in a hotel room. You will feel lost in this hotel. And you will not remember how you got there. In the lobby, the breakfast buffet will cost £12.99. Inside, they will be playing a song by Townes Van Zant and you will find it impossible not to find its lyrics applicable. You will sit down and look at the buffet. There will be a man behind a counter. He will be paid to serve you breakfast foods. He will have a tattoo on his neck. You will see it. It will say ‘unbreakable’.

Superpower: STARING AT EVERYONE WHO SAYS "I LOVE YOU" in the eyes AND seeING how long it takes, in the abysS of silence, TO MAKE THEM not love ME ANYMORE. by Dante Sacomani

If there's anything more deeply sad than a grown-ass man dressed up like Obi Wan Kenobi, I AM glad to be unaware of it. That Joseph Campbell gave existential carte blanche to these witless clowns is perhaps the most lamentable development of the past half-millennium. See also: heropunk

rehashing OUTCOMEs OF world events AND pretending i flipped out more. Wondering how different things wouLd be if i WENT MORE ape shit by Dante Sacomani

At the Tacos loco restaurant in canterbury UK you can experience the real mexico i think. but i cannot not say for sure because i have never been to tacos locos or mexico. today i was standing outside the tacos locos restaurant looking in through the windows, wondering if there is any better escape from reality than going to new places and sampling the regional gastronomies.

“Please God anywhere, just not here,” I thought. Though I have travelled, it has only been from west canterbury to north canterbury. From The ASDA side to the Morrison’s side. It must be the fascinating, the world of big travel. To go through extraordinary lengths to marvel at foreigners buying groceries.

These travelers, i hear, are not content to simply gawk (i picture myself contented by gawking). I have heard they take pains to record with their phones those things that in their home countries would be nothing more than the mild irritations of life, but in foreign places become the very stuff that real life is made of. For what could possibly be more exciting than to see a Vietnamese man transporting a whole bunch of plastic colanders on his motorcycle? When Dung gets home after a long day of scooter scuttling, he will have no idea of his exalted status as Authentic Man. Perhaps this is for the best.

Add me on facebook and tell me if you think i should try tacos locos.

CELEBRATING so MANY birthdays AT ONCE LIKE a SITCOM SHITHEAD WHO BETS ON A HORSE TO WIN NASCAR. by Dante Sacomani

 

today i received a text message from an unknown number that asked me, ‘where is the paper bag that hides the liquor’? I replied that i didn't know, but added i believe the best kind of life is one with nothing to hide.

The reply-is-being-typed bubble popped up and then shrank down again. I closed my eyes and opened them in a blinking motion. I decided to read and interpret whatever response came through next as cosmic good advice. But the bubble stayed shrunk down and didn’t come back. i am still waiting for the message but i think nothing is coming. 

a scientific disproving of vloggers, esp. the ones holding my daughter for ransom by Dante Sacomani

IF you watch the 1994 Jet Li movie called LEGEND OF RED DRAGON you will see the early scene where some Empire guys show up in the village and kill everyone with spears and swords. It is great martial arts cinema but promotes a fucked up worldview i suppose.

In the scene, one fisherman is hiding in a hut and surviving much longer than the other peasants who are not hiding. He seems smart. Maybe he is somebody special. He’s getting all the screen time. Then an empire dude bursts through the hut wall and dices him up. Ah hell, he was nobody.

The other day I was in the Monument vegan bar and pub in canterbury reading an essay about cruise ships when i had to use the restroom. At the urinals was another guy, tall and white with dreadlocks, He said to me "these urinals are too close together!" I said I promised to not piss on him if he promised the same courtesy in return. He looked at me and said "I suppose in America they have dividers between all the urinals."

Returning to my seat, i heard a man making a point to his friend. "It’s a morality thing for me," he said. "I love all animals. That is why I cannot see Isle of Dogs."

The last Wes Anderson movie I saw in the cinema was Grand Budapest Hotel at the Eastview Cinema in Chicago, IL.

Before that one, i saw the one about boy scouts. That one I saw it in Portland while visiting my sister. We saw it together in a cinema by a mall. It finished around 9 at night but it was summer so when we walked out and the sky was still all sun and light. We went to a bar and discussed it. There was a new smoking ban in the city but in this bar they still had ashtrays on all the tables and were pretty okay with letting you smoke in the back by the pinball machines. They had two machines. One had jet li on it. I looked for an empire dude with a sword busting out of the walls. I looked for him in case I was a peasant who had gotten too much screen time. I wondered what it would be like to be hacked up. I wondered peasants are killed by empires but soldiers die for them. I would like to be killed by what i would die for. Smoking indoors, I think. I checked again for empire dudes but there were only a few people in the bar, all drinking beer and eating the free nuts.

SPENDING ALL DAY listening to "MY HUMPS" on repeat for 7 hourS and typing up a list of complicated questions re: POLITICS by Dante Sacomani

If you go to the unicorn pub in canterbury and would like to take one of their delicious pizzas home to enjoy – do not worry that is possible. i know b/c there is a sign that says so.

But the message on the sign is facing away from the people – so the bartender can read about the take home pizza options, but others cannot. There is a mirror behind the bar so I think you could maybe try to look at yourself in the mirror and then discover the hidden message on the sign - but even then you would have to read it backwards. 

Today I was in the unicorn and a man was in there sitting near the sign that says no vaping. but then he pulled out his vape and vaped. The smell of the vape smoke was like warm tapenade on a thin crispy cracker. I liked the way it smelled and wondered how much we would have to bond before he considered me a trusted friend, and worthy of some vape share. 

So I explained to him about the pizza sign that was backwards and the vape sign that was forwards – and asked him if it mattered to him that all sorts of signs were being obscured and ignored.

i forget what he said in reply but his voice sounded like he was from New Zealand so I changed my tune and told him I had been to a camp in his country one time– and that it was a good experience for me because there was no war taking place in NZ at that time and also because it was beautiful. 

 

 

linking my Folders to other Folders or whatever the fuck it is people do oN computerS by Dante Sacomani

Holy hell if you go for a relaxing lunch at the Anchor restaurant in Margate it is important that you call ahead to make sure they have tables available – and also that the current Maitre D is not working because he is very high strung. He will tell you stories that are probably all lies.

ex. I Saw no people crying over the pork cracklings like he said they did.

I was in there thinking about an article i read re:a pistachio farmer in california, when the waiter came over and told me the last american he'd seen in the restaurant had ordered the scotch egg. “He didn't know what it was, but he ordered it anyways,” he said. I replied it was a shame that nothing on the menu was new to me. It would be nice to be surprised.

Oh, he said, have you been here before? I began to say no and make an excuse – but he cut me off. Suddenly patting his little tummy loudly and walking away. He patted his tummy some more and walked back to his co-workers at the bar. “Oh look at him,” he said. “He thinks he's seen it all.”

They were watching a soccer match on a phone propped up against a beer glass. They said cheers and downed some pints with crisps.

When the waiter came back he asked what i wanted and i told him to surprise me. 

he said, we're out of hake, so the fish and chips is now gonna be cod.

 

sick of news sites tricking me into CLICKING ON "LINKS" and also posting pics of my bare ass in the comments sections. by Dante Sacomani

If u go to the King's Head restaurant in Wye they will tell you that there is talk of a michelin. But if you eat the food you will be able to dispute that claim with certainty because the food is total bullshit. 

Today I was at the Refectory restaurant in canterbury eavesdropping on a woman with a "Go Vegan" patch on her coat ordering the eggs benedict dish, but without butter or cream. 

Out of the window I could see some movers carrying a sofa out of a closed down vape shop. In the restaurant’s entryway I could hear a woman asking if they had a table for 14 people. The host looked around and said, “we can seat four to five of you if that works?” 

I then thought of conversation i overheard between two american university students in reykjavik airport not that long ago. They were waiting for their connection to London on their way to a study abroad program. All this and discussing travel plans, too.

One of them was saying say her plan was to take trips to europe basically every weekend. But first she said she needed to take a train to see edinburgh and see that because she's half scottish.

The other said for her it is all about getting to Amsterdam because her brother had been and said you can do it in two days. "It's big but not too big," she said. Definitely smaller than new york city.

to that the first one asked, Oh you're from nyc?

Outside Albany, so pretty much.

then another study abroad kid spoke. I hope to make as far as italy he said. Italy is great but dirty, said the woman from Albany new york, if you go to rome wear your passport on a string around your neck and haggle for everything.

Soon after, the flight was delayed by several hours so i stood up and went to the airport cafeteria area to drink some beers and eat a little tub of potato salad. soon after i saw the study abroad kids' (at least 10 people) come in demanding tables and services. 

"Why can't we all sit together" i heard new york woman say to the host/cashier, "i dont get why we can’t push tables together."

"You have a big group," said the host/cashier, "perhaps it's best to split up over three or four tables."

"i still dont get that at all, but fine," said the young woman. She took out her water bottle and took a drink. On the bottle was a patagonia sticker and one that said Live Love Yoga.

I looked at the tables in the cafeteria zone. They all sat either 2 or 4 people. They were laid out with uniform aisle space between them. They were all nailed to the floor.

I drank the beer and imagined a cutting board with two balls of dough on it. they looked the same but I knew they could not be kneaded together, even with a sturdy roller.

 

the man without qualities no longer lives here but i am the man without QUALITY STREET CHOCOLATES. YOU LIKE SKITTLES? by Dante Sacomani

Holy shit if you buy a bottle of Barefoot Merlot wine you may see on the bottle a sticker that says GOLD MEDAL - 2014 Denver International Wine Competition U.S.A which confirms Denver is guilty as charged: full of shit.

Earlier at the Carpenter's Arms pub in canterbury I met the man who coaches celebrity TV chefs to react enthusiastically to all the food they eat on their televised adventures in different cities. He teaches them to say things like “bristol is famed for its whipped-butter scones, which i love”. i asked him if any celebrity chefs were naturals at reacting, and he said none that he worked with because they only sent him the rejects that needed to be coached. There was a silence and then i asked ok who needed the most coaching and he said mario batali, but what he actually said was, "the eataly fella."

I asked him what was the secret to great fake loving and he said pre-nuptials and a good laywer. Then he removed his shirt and laid down belly first on the ground, riotous with laugher. 

When he stood back up I told him that two summers ago, i went to the mario batali eataly restaurant/supermarket and ate oysters next to a pyramid made of different pasta boxes. I was also drinking white wine but could not get drunk. Despite the hype and classy-ass environs I realized I was eating oysters in a big-ass grocery store. People were scooting around buying green olives for sixteen dollars a pound.

When the waiter had first come over he said hello and asked have you been to eataly before. i said no and then asked if it was like other restaurants and he said well no cuz we are also a supermarket so everything you are about to eat is also for sale. We spent a moment in silence. What about the plates? Yes, the plates too, he said, relieved I'd understood. He soon went on. The way it worked was: if we ordered items off the menu he would bring them to us. "Is that like other restaurants?" he asked, "i have not been to many."

I told him that actually i was not so sure b/c neither had i – but maybe.

 

TRIED TO CITIZENS ARREST SOME COPS AND NOW I MAKE 23 CENTS AN HOUR AT MY JOB IN JAIL. by Dante Sacomani

If you play any of the thao nguyen albums backwards i am sure they will sound very pretty but not let you in on any secrets. in fact u should probably just listen to them forwards because they are good and will probably remind u of a summer night spent on a balcony somewhere, maybe smoking a cigarette or watching cars slow down for a stop sign below. 

One time I spoke to thao nguyen at a WNBA finals game in Seattle. She was sitting in the same booth as I was. I wanted to tell her I'd seen her play an acoustic show the summer before at the Vaudeville Mews in Des Moines but instead asked her if she liked starbucks. At the show in Des Moines she'd played with simone white and devin davis but I'd paid no attention to the music because i had been trying to impress a woman who was not into me. I think laura veirs was there too. 

Today I was in the Unicorn pub in canterbury reading a book a when a woman sat down near me on a long bench. I noticed her because she was swaying drunk, looking at me and def drinking a large glass of white wine. We did not move for a long time. As it got later many groups began to walk in looking for six-person tables like the one she and I were occupying - so I got up and moved to a seat at the bar.

Soon, she stumbled over and looked me in the eyes and told me she would never fancy a fucking prick like me even if she were into dudes. so where the fuck did i get off moving away from her. I told her I moved from the table to free it up for the larger groups because if you work in bars you want every person to do this.

oh she said, throwing her hands up, saying "I didnt know about it." 

Soon she sent me over a beer to say sorry for her misreading. i didnt want to drink it to make a point but i did anyways. 

 

 

 

DUE TO MY LATEST GETTING PISSED OFF I WILL NO LONGER BE USING THE RED 100 EMOJI TO DESCRIBE THat moment WHEN THE DOMINOS COUPONS COME IN THE MAIL by Dante Sacomani

If you enjoy the directorial works of Joachim Von Trier I recommend you watch Thelma because it is a nice story story of a young women torn between faith and desire. There's a man whose skin combusts into flames when exposed to oxygen so he must either choose to stay on the shore and burn or walk into the sea and drown. 

This week I was at the J.J. Foley's bar in downtown Boston asking a man behind the bar there if he liked sam adams boston lager for real or just because it is from boston and people get super weird about all the shit made in the cities they live in. He was a big man with a large beard wearing a neck tie with the logo of the New England Patriots printed all over it. He looked at me and said — both.

I told him that actually it was funny because i live near faversham in kent, uk and that’s where they brew all the sam adams boston lager sold in the uk – and if you drink it, the UK boston lager is actually much worse  than the US boston lager. i was saying this to make the man happy – to commune with him about boston lager so that maybe he would take me into his inner circle and come trust me more than he did his best friends.

I allowed myself to picture a future in which he and i played fantasy football in a big league, and travelled up and down the coasts eating oysters and making little notes in a pocket-sized notebook, rating for briny, fresh and shucked. it was beautiful and calm. we would walk and admire the milky purple sky over boston harbour wearing Brady jerseys while visiting key filming locations from our favorite film the boondock saints. 

Then he looked at me and i looked at him. the kitchen was closing in fifteen minutes he said so if i wanted food i had better order it now. also they ran out of the french onion soup during the lunch rush so now the soup of the day was mushroom. 

DESPITE RECENT "POSTS" BY MY ENEMIES I AM NOT BOYCOTTING ARMIE HAMMER UNTIL HE CHANGES HIS FIRST NAME TO ARM & by Dante Sacomani

Holy goodness – if you go to the Westgate Wetherspoons right now there is a man with a blotchy neck tattoo in a Rudolph the Reindeer sweater singing Jingle Bells in the middle of the room and getting strangers to join in. Its like when the Chili's staff sing happy birthday to the  birthday people eating burgers and food in there i guess but i don't know because i do not like fine dining and have only been to chilis one time in an airport. 

I was in the table 11 today in Wetherspoons eating a veggie burger and reading a book about robots when i looked up and thought oh boy all the servers in this place will one day be robots even though right now they are all teenagers who'll you pour a Coors Light if you ask for a Bud Light and say whatever the taps are mislabelled if you call them out.

While I was sitting there i thought about this one time I drank a bloody mary in a fancy diner in Chicago called Little Goat. This dude had texted me and told me to meet him there because his engagement had just fallen to pieces and he needed to talk. The place was closer to me than him so I arrived first and sat there at the bar in the back thinking it was probably too early to be playing Eazy-E so loud in a small space but oh well. it was sunday and a day for worship, and in here they worshipped diner classics updated with kimchi and probiotics. 

When this dude finally arrived I was on the second bloody mary and he said, oh youre drinking and i said yeah well you asked me to meet you at a bar. He sat down and ordered a coffee and I said, how are you and he said how do you think? and I said pretty fucked if you want to be sober in here.  

I blew all my savings at cafe rouge so i could leave multiple one-star ratings and destroy it once and for all. Now I'm broke and applying for a job a cafe rouge. by Dante Sacomani

I have not seen my friend since i made a $100 donation to afghanistan in his name and emailed him, "ur so fucked now! guantanamo lol." 

Anyways, if you have only ever eaten fish at Chapman's fish restaurant in Canterbury u should know fish is usually not served frozen in restaurants or homes. We can be assured it's true because it has been televised many times on several different cooking shows.

"Do you watch Rick Stein?" is the question I am waiting for someone to ask me because 1. Yes 2. Yes but he is looking old 3. Yes but holy fuck why are his sons so awful 4. No

Once during an episode, Rick read a passage from Byron, closed the book and said, "you know, sometimes I feel like Byron." He was in front of the sea in Greece, wearing a pink shirt with some leather flip flops.

If i am remembering it right, i turned to my friend and said, you know sometimes I feel like Byron too and he said  same here, let's get burgers. I wasn't really sure if it was a joke or just a misunderstanding but I followed him out to the door and all the way to Byron where he ordered the Grande Fromagemas sandwich while I drank a can of beer wondering how long I'd be able to press my face into a block of ice before it began to sting.