the man without qualities no longer lives here but i am the man without QUALITY STREET CHOCOLATES. YOU LIKE SKITTLES? / by Dante Sacomani

Holy shit if you buy a bottle of Barefoot Merlot wine you may see on the bottle a sticker that says GOLD MEDAL - 2014 Denver International Wine Competition U.S.A which confirms Denver is guilty as charged: full of shit.

Earlier at the Carpenter's Arms pub in canterbury I met the man who coaches celebrity TV chefs to react enthusiastically to all the food they eat on their televised adventures in different cities. He teaches them to say things like “bristol is famed for its whipped-butter scones, which i love”. i asked him if any celebrity chefs were naturals at reacting, and he said none that he worked with because they only sent him the rejects that needed to be coached. There was a silence and then i asked ok who needed the most coaching and he said mario batali, but what he actually said was, "the eataly fella."

I asked him what was the secret to great fake loving and he said pre-nuptials and a good laywer. Then he removed his shirt and laid down belly first on the ground, riotous with laugher. 

When he stood back up I told him that two summers ago, i went to the mario batali eataly restaurant/supermarket and ate oysters next to a pyramid made of different pasta boxes. I was also drinking white wine but could not get drunk. Despite the hype and classy-ass environs I realized I was eating oysters in a big-ass grocery store. People were scooting around buying green olives for sixteen dollars a pound.

When the waiter had first come over he said hello and asked have you been to eataly before. i said no and then asked if it was like other restaurants and he said well no cuz we are also a supermarket so everything you are about to eat is also for sale. We spent a moment in silence. What about the plates? Yes, the plates too, he said, relieved I'd understood. He soon went on. The way it worked was: if we ordered items off the menu he would bring them to us. "Is that like other restaurants?" he asked, "i have not been to many."

I told him that actually i was not so sure b/c neither had i – but maybe.