TAKING MY MEDIOCRE TALENTS TO THE BAR AND ASKING THAT IT BE LOWERED. / by Dante Sacomani

Holy shit. If you were in the Unicorn pub in Canterbury earlier maybe you saw what I did.

If you were not there, picture me sitting in there at the booth in the corner reading a book. If you have never been to the Unicorn pub in Canterbury and cannot visualize the layout, that is okay.

There is a small TV above a fireplace. There is a man vaping by a sign that says no vaping. There is a fruit machine and a shelf with some board games on it. There is a pool table. There is a woman staring at a wall. There is a booth in a corner.

Anyways, the door opened and some men walked in. Each was wearing some white shorts with a white top and some big socks that went up to the knees. I think they were special socks because each sock had bells sewn into it. A whole grapevine of bells. A fist fight of tambourines in every step. At first the bells were jangling a lot as the men shuffled to get ales and tables; but they piped down when the men sat down and did not move so much.

I imagined these socks as a key prop in a sitcom episode. The one where Karen’s husband comes home unexpectedly, so Porter has to hide in a closet and sneak out quietly – wearing bell-socks. lol.

“We are the Wantsum Morrismen. We are here to dance in the garden” one man said to the bartender. This made no sense to me and I wondered how the bartender would react. I wondered how I would. I decided I would lean over the bar and shake the little bells.

But this bartender did not. He pulled out a little binder from behind the bar and looked in it. I thought maybe it contained instructions for calming Wantsum Morrismen. If it did, what would it say? Would it call for violence? I asked myself how I felt about violence.

I googled ‘bar fight, how to win’, ‘morrisman what is’ and ‘morrismen physical weaknesses’. I readied myself. The tension was building up. The vaper vaped. The wall-starer stared. I looked for a window I could sneak out of. The bartender looked up from the binder, “oh right. it’s in the schedule.” he said. “The garden is out back.”