if you would like to pick out some things of mine to set on fire in the backyard, step right up. we are open for business. please come in and burn my things.
Please understand that, though we are open, certain items we had planned to make available for being torched will not be available for ‘being torched’. that is because those items have already been torched. we suspect in an unsanctioned blaze. this was discovered by us last night. we are carrying out an investigation. if you have any info, please email us directly.
Other items, we are sad to announce, have been partially torched. These too, we fear, as the result of an off-the-books burn. Should these partially burned items be ruled victims of arson, we will strongly condone the act and will not rest until a culprit is found and brought to justice. As these items are classified ‘partially torched’, we would prefer what remains of them not go to waste. they will be made available for flaming (at a discount) should you like to finish the job. Please note: these partially burnt items are not not on display in our showroom. if you would like a list of all currently ‘semi-torched’ items available for further blazing please email us directly. Rumours that these semi-burnt items include an oversized blue/black flannel, an olive green raincoat and white pair of Veja sneakers (size 9.5 UK) cannot be confirmed as stock does vary.
Update: At this time we can confirm a much sought-after red/black fleece has been burnt to black crumb and is no longer be available for flaming. A recording has been made of our marketing director walking on the ashes. It has been said the sounds captured are reminiscent of the crunching of ‘icy snow, or brittle bones’. For a copy of this recording, please email us directly.
Several band shirts, including Ragana, Earth, G.L.O.S.S and Bosse de Nage are missing and also feared burned. Please check back when we have sifted through the debris of the (let’s be honest, unsanctioned) blaze. Should you like to know what we uncover in the course of this work, please email us directly. We will no longer be issuing updates on this blog regarding this particular (yet-to-be-deemed illegal) burning.
At present, we like to come back to the matter at hand, as mentioned earlier in this email. That is: If you would like to pick out certain items from our closet to set on fire in the backyard, you are welcome to do so. we are now open for business.
Items available for burning include shirts, jeans and a Tennessee Titans baseball cap.
We look forward to working with you and helping your achieve your goals of setting our clothes on fire.